BEING GRATEFUL FOR THE UNPLEASANT;
Epoche – Achieving wisdom through equanimity during uncertainty
by Joe Houska*
The Story of the Chinese Farmer (animated by Steve Agnos, music by Chris Zabriske, & narrated by Alan Watts)
Three Breaths to Presence (by Celia Landman)
Many years ago, my then wife and I were looking for a home for our growing family. After many months, we finally found the first one that we felt would serve us well, only to learn hours earlier someone else got it. I was so bummed, sure that this was a significant misfortune. However, a few weeks later, we found and moved into a home that met our needs much better.
Inquiry: Can you think of an event that initially appeared to have no apparent benefit to you, but later you saw it as good fortune for you? Has a parent, teacher or other mentor, ever said “no” to what you wanted and you later became appreciative of that “no”? If so, perhaps you also shared my initial reaction of getting bummed with reality, when it first appeared to be only adverse to me, but were later grateful.
I now practice remembering that I do not know in any point in time whether events and circumstances are “good” or “bad” for me.
Invitation: Practice being grateful for your unpleasant reaction to an event that has no apparent benefit to you.
Advanced Invitation: Express gratitude for your unpleasant reaction to an event that has no apparent benefit to you while it is occurring and while you are experiencing unpleasant feelings.
Benefits I’ve Noticed When I’ve Been Able to Express
Grateful for Difficult Circumstances
Gratitude Practice. In March 2019, at the suggestion of Jim Manske, I began a practice of writing down threes gratitudes each day Each gratitude entry consists of a very brief description of four things:
- what I’m grateful for;
- needs met;
- feelings now; &
- something I did to contribute to the event or my gratitude occurring.
As to “needs met,” I list my present needs that are being served as I focus on the event through the lens of gratitude. When answering the question, “How did I contribute to this event happening?” for an event as to which I did cause it to occur (such as the rising of the sun, the beauty of a wildflower, or even a difficult experience), I can jot down what I did to notice the sun or flower, or what I did to attain an expression of gratitude.
I had a big shift one morning when I realized that I was literally surrounded at all times by a myriad of beneficial things for which I could be grateful. And then I noticed that I was grateful for my gratitude, which turned on a firehose of gratitude.
At some point, I decided to try practicing being grateful for my unpleasant experiences. Because I had such a deep habit of pushing away such experiences, actually hating my painful feelings, such as fear, shame, guilt, loneliness, etc., it took quite a while before I could remember to attempt gratitude for my experience. But I did gain clarity that, if I wanted to be a channel for divine energy, I’d need to flow with whatever my experience is and practice neither grasping, nor rejecting, any portion my experience. I had clarity that gratitude for all my experiences would help me drop suffering for past events and new ones that arose.
Sometimes I haven’t yet become directly grateful for the event and it’s difficult to focus on the benefits. But I always find delight in practicing gratitude. If the best I can do is utter the words, “I’m grateful that [describe the unpleasant experience] is occurring/occurred, I now feel celebratory that I remembered to express gratitude for the unpleasant. And then I feel grateful that I remembered.
In later 2020, I started remembering to express (silently to myself, or sometimes out loud) gratitude for my unpleasant experiences while it is occurring.
I have found gratitude for my unpleasant experiences to be so transformational that I enthusiastically tell others. While doing so, I’ve tried to explain why the practice is so powerful and others have suggested additional ideas. Here are reasons I’ve collected that might explain why a gratitude practice is so beneficial:
Distinction between Gratitude for My Experience and the Outer World Event. While I do have a practice of being grateful for my inner experience, I’m not saying that I’m grateful for all external events. For example, if I feel horribly sick, I would practice gratitude for my feeling of horribleness, not for the sickness. As another example, if I experience heartache because our planet’s ice caps are melting, I’m grateful for my heartache, not the melting ice.
Difficult Experiences Are the Best Teachers. When things go well, I might be temporarily happy, but I learn next to nothing. Worse, pleasant experiences often reinforce poor habits, including moralistic judgments, false logic or beliefs, and behavior that is not life serving. But unpleasant experiences arise when I lose things I value, which, if I’m alert, help me be more grateful.
Acceptance. Acceptance is foundational to gratitude. Once I accept things as they are, my mind no longer fights reality. When I’m not fighting reality, I’m less reactive and tend to think more clearly and respond more thoughtfully.
Epoche. Epoche refers to equanimity in the face of uncertainty. Meditation teacher Shinzen Young teaches the equation [equanimity] + [not knowing] = [innate wisdom]. Gratitude for the unpleasant helps create the state of epoche.
More Present. I can be more present when I’m not fighting reality.
Detached from Outcome. As I become more grateful for a wider range of experiences, I can detach more from outcome. When I’m grateful for what I don’t want to occur, it’s easier for me to be invitational and kind.
Connected Better with Others. When I’m less attached to what I want, I can better understand with compassion the experience and desires of others.
Less Negative. When I’m grateful for an experience, my mind is less focused on why the experience was/is “bad” and less skewed to the negative.
More Likely to Notice Benefits. When I believe that the experience carries a benefit, because my mind is more alert and looking for benefits, I’m more likely to find benefits.
More Pleasant Personality. If I’m grateful that something occurred, I am more pleasant to be around, especially as to anybody who I contributed to the event occurring, which I can easily misinterpret as being a cause of my unpleasant experience.
Greater Self-Trust. I’m less scared of “making a mistake” when I know that, regardless of outcome, I will somehow benefit. I act with more self-trust.
Freedom. If I will benefit from any outcome, I become more free to do what I really want to do.
Transformative. This final reason isn’t rational. I have no idea how this works, but I have experienced so consistently that my mere attempt to be grateful for an unpleasant experience miraculously transforms my life — so much that it seems to be some sort of universal law. My belief is so strong that, now, even if I perceive no change, I now trust that a significant positive shift will manifest.
Gratitude for Being Grateful. At this point, even in the face of the most unpleasant inner experiences, if I remember to be grateful, I now experience a shift in feelings immediately. Typically, I feel delight for remembering and actually practicing being grateful during unpleasantness. And it’s easy to truly feel grateful for feeling delighted when, just a moment earlier, I was feeling pain. Wow! I only need to remember!
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Latest Tweaks: I have started looking for memories of life experiences that I carry with some resentment, anger, discomfort, etc., and expressed gratitude for each unpleasant experience. A couple of days ago, I’ve added in a piece gleaned from Kristen Masters’ course on Dealing with Loss. She recommended getting specific when grieving over some of the cherished pieces that have been lost. So, I’ve been adding a statement of “What I Lost” and then tacked on a simple statement about my gratitude for my unpleasant experience. Here is a recent sample from my journal:
Event: My father expressed anger with a tone, volume and bodily expressions and behaviors to which I reacted by feeling terror and paralysis. My siblings have all agreed with my belief that when he spanked us, he used all of his strength. When he asked me a question, I knew that if I lied, there was a decent chance, he’d respond with fury. When he was angry, I virtually always believed that any escape or attempt to affect the outcome was futile. I reacted as if he was a huge approaching storm: the best I could do was dissociate from my experience of his fury and possibly an unpleasant punishment that might be an ordeal.
What I Lost: I didn’t understand that respect, support, mutuality, kindness, connection, compassion, dialogue, and invitation are an alternative path through conflict. I was literally taught emotions are bad, that intellectual analysis was The Answer, that humans are selfish, that punishment, guilt and shame are necessary to positive change, that force and domination were appropriate tools if one knew the right way for the future to unfold.
Needs: Fortitude, understanding, compassion and contribution
Feelings Now: Relieved (my life is so much easier today), sad (thinking about my father’s difficult life), terror (it still reverberates), grateful (I have many relationships today with kind, considerate and compassionate people), calm (I’m going to be OK. Hmmm “going to be?” Why not, I am OK? — more for the hopper! 🙂 ), motivated (to practice experiencing my emotions and responding to them in a way that serves life)
How did I contribute to this event happening? Sat here with my eyes closed, remembering these events, searching within my body for feelings.
I’m grateful for my unpleasant experiences of living so deeply within the domination paradigm that I still have much to eradicate and much to which I’m still unconscious.
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© 2020 Joe Houska TruthForce.Works
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