The silent cry goes out daily to help me to remove these weaknesses and imperfections of mine.
~Gandhi, Harijan, June 22, 1935
So, it’s been while since I worked on this website. I fell and got sucked into my insecurities, which spiralled downward. I increasingly believed my own negative thoughts evaluating the world and “me,” whoever that is.
Before that spirally suck of unusual insecurities, I already had doubts whether I was worthy of sharing what I’ve learned about nonviolence or nonviolent communication. I was so aware of the many ways I haven’t incorporated nonviolence into my own life. Nonviolence is not like math or science. It’s a consciousness. It involves remembering that we are all interconnected and interdependent, remembering that I am the “least” amongst us, and also remembering that I’m just as worthy as the “greatest” amongst us. It’s based on love for all and what is, including my reactions and my desire to effect change. But I wasn’t loving myself, others, or the Universe as it is. I was taking my negative fear based thoughts seriously. I feel into my internal drama, instead of being in awe and wonder at the strong divine energy within me that wanted to move me.
Here’s a summary of what happened: I said something (that I perceived as) completely innocuous, and gave it no further thought. A few days later, I was literally stunned opening an email from a person who heard my remark. They informed me that they had informed a mutual friend about what I said, and our friend had agreed to mediate “our conflict.” I felt emotionally numb and had trouble thinking. After a couple of days, I felt shocked, angry and self-righteous. I wanted choice and understanding. I judged the other person and myself harshly, with thoughts like:
- “They shouldn’t have done that.”
- “Their actions were unjustified.”
- “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”
- “They shouldn’t be having the feelings they described.”
- “This isn’t fair!”
- “My friend (who apparently agreed to mediate) may now be prejudiced against me and this could harm my future.”
- “I’ve worked so hard to become more emotionally resilient and look at what a mess I am.”
- “I can’t believe that I can’t let go of this.”
- “I’m letting this minor thing lead me back into depression.”
- “With all the work I’ve done, I should be handling this better.”
- “I’m a fraud and have no right to even talk about nonviolence/nonviolent communication.”
I wrote long emails to them, trying my best to express compassion, but harsh judgments about them (and me) kept arising. In their replies, I saw little to no compassion for me. They suddenly disengaged, telling me they were complete. I was further than ever from “complete.” I got more upset and spiraled down further. For months, my mind would not let go of these events. I had many suicidal thoughts.
My mind turned this into proof that I’m unworthy of educating others about ways to handle in such a different manner. There was no conscious decision to stop work on this website. It just happened. I also stopped teaching nonviolence communication. Shame, blame and guilt swirled within me and grew.
More recently, I seemed to feel alarmed almost daily by climate news and find it surreal how most of humanity seem to be living without regard to our impact on our garden planet. This worst part is that I watch myself continue to drive my car and do other things that I believe are adversely contributing to pollution, global warming, habitat destruction, global warming, and ecological collapse.
I don’t know what to do. I want ease, the familiar, fun and community. Guilt keeps arising for me at every turn. I don’t know how to live in a manner that will both meet my needs and help reverse social and environmental harms. And I’m ashamed that I feel guilty (and ashamed). And I’m still blaming others and judging their actions.
Both are true: I “know” that shame, blame and guilt are feelings mixed with evaluative thoughts that are not life serving. And inside of me, there’s a lot of shame, blame and guilt going on. Similarly, I “know” that we are all interdependent and interconnected, and yet my consciousness is usually residing in a delusion of separateness. I watch myself thinking about how I can get myself ahead.
So, I’m turning back to this website as an exercise in becoming the change. It’s so obvious that my inner world is very similar as what I’m seeing externally with climate change, a lack of trust between polarized factions, an inability to move toward more life-serving habits/systems. I’m guessing that others may be feeling the same as I do: stuck and torn in two or more very different directions, not trusting or loving themselves, scared and fearful, and … yet … wanting to love more and do the right thing. But then they indulge in another guilty pleasure, whether its chocolate cake, watching TV instead of exercising, a drink, or, for me, surfing the Internet.
I’ve been aware for decades that us “United Statesians” (the word “Americans” seems to arrogantly disrespect those living in the rest of north america, as well as in central and south america) consume and pollute greatly more per capita than the vast majority of other people. I’ve also thought that the world can’t support everyone living like “us.” Yet capitalist driven corporations encourage everyone to earn more and live like United Statesians. and the private ownership of real property results in a horrendous slaying of our garden planet.
And, here I am, imagining what it might take, and yet, driving around in a gasoline powered car, buying junk from China and shrinking.
I got some motivation this morning when reading Gary Wimmer. He wrote that building a more enlightened, fairer, ecologically balanced and sustainable world society requires seeing and experiencing the “holes in our boat” or the “flaws in ourselves and our systems,” which comes with its inherent growing pains and the escalation of anger, chaos, division, and suffering. He acknowledged that, while many of us are desperate, “[o]thers choose to become enlightened and practice to attain and sustain a higher level of consciousness and awareness, rather than let fear or doubt rule their lives and decisions. He guides us away from focusing on what we cannot change and states that “the best use of Free Will is in how we perceive matters.” We can be “empowered by focusing on what we can change.”
I’ve been feeling despair as to whether I can change for the positive faster than my habits growthat do not serve life. But I remind myself that it took me almost 2 years to ever remember that nonviolent communication existed when it may have been life-serving to give it a try. How it took even longer to apply NVC in any noticeable way that served life. Yet today, I do know that sometimes my use of nonviolent communication (“NVC”), or more accurately NVC consciousness is effective. So, I will lumber on with this experiment of a website.
I’ve been told that teachers who share their own struggles can be effective. If anybody got anything of value, I’d greatly appreciate a comment as to what specifically was beneficial and why they felt it valuable.
In humility and with love,
Joe