This post shares openly some of my own challenges and vulnerabilities. WARNING: It mentions suicidal thoughts.
Why aren’t we talking more about our crazy human experiences?
I often wonder why people don’t share their experiences more openly. I realize that many people are truly doing quite well and handle their challenges in ways that keeps elevating themselves and those around them. However, it appears to me that they are a small minority; and that most of the others have significant ups and downs, and habitually do some things that hurt themselves, others, or both. And it further appears to me that another small minority are truly doing quite poorly, that is, with a fair consistency handling their challenges in ways that don’t serve life. That is, this group keeps lowering themselves and others. What a wild trip we’re in! Even if we’re in that first group, we are surrounded by the other two groups. What powerful experiences we’re having! Why don’t more people talk openly about these powerful experiences? I don’t know. I do know that sometimes others, concerned for my well-being, tell me that I share too much.
Hoping this will help me and others
But I share, not just out of the awe and wonder about our human experiences, but also hoping that my openness might serve life. First of all, I hope it helps me so that I might struggle less and make more life-affirming choices. Second, I hope that my choices might serve those with whom I would love more connection. And, third and quite importantly, I hope that my sharing will contribute to the lives of others.
My depression, addictions, harsh self-criticism, & estrangements
I’ve been prone to behavior and experiences that most would labels such as depression and addictions, mostly an Internet addiction. I keep finding that when I go to work, I get little or nothing done, until I’m motivated from fear. I have adverse judgments about myself, including how I observe a part of me that is motivated by fear. I want to be motivated by what I affirmatively desire, and not by what I fear. And I have a tendency to tell others what they should do.
I’ve also been especially challenged by estrangements from, amongst others, my two children and my brother. They don’t respond when I communicate. I don’t have a mailing address for my son or daughter. My brain has go-to stories that, “I most hurt those who I love the most,” and “I could best contribute to those I love by suicide.” However, when I’m centered and resourced I know that those stories are not life serving and likely false.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. All of this, in one form or another, has been going on for over a decade. It’s been a tough decade. During this time period, I have done (and continue to do) a lot of “inner work”–meditating, journaling, receiving empathy, sharing with my inner sanctum friends my vulnerabilities and experiences, challenges, studying nonviolence, and teaching nonviolent communications, not because I’m so good at it, but to the contrary, because I want to learn, practice and transform my consciousness. I was doing pretty well for a while.
Fell into a hole and couldn’t get out
Until my most recent post I let this website become fallow for over a year after an especially challenging event. I got deeply emotionally triggered by some events to which my nervous system and mind reacted strongly. Part of my reaction was debilitating shame about my reaction and how long and difficult I found it to recover. I evaluated that I was a fraud, because I was unable to employ the tools that I teach. It took me over a year to recover.
I was especially wobbly this summer after I learned by my son got married when I saw wedding pictures on the Internet with his mother and sister there.
As I recover, however, I am remembering that I am not my circumstances or my thoughts. Believing that I’m simply consciousness, I’m not even my habits. That said, I do notice patterns that I believe interfere with my ability to remember that I’m simply consciousness and can make choices that will increase my ability to remember who I am and act from that place. So, what am I doing?
My practices
Saying “my practices” might mislead you into imagining more regularity than I have. I practice having practices. I try to remember to do my practices. And that’s often trying to remember to remember. Also, a dear friend cringes at the word “practice.” He says: “Don’t ‘practice;, be! This is life, not a practice.” However, I use the word “practice,” not to mean an exercise that gets me ready to live, but as a way of being, a way of living that I intend to keep returning to.
Anyway I try to remember and do things like: meditate, not believing my moralistic judgments, and exercising healthy choices instead of reactive addictive type behaviors. By the way, I’m especially enjoying the late Dan Brown’s 10 minute guided meditation regarding having ideal parents.
I am also remembering that no philosophy resonates with me as much as nonviolence, whether it’s Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication or MLK/Gandhi ahimsa/nonviolence. So I’m back. Both to disseminate and to practice.
During the last year, I’ve been more clearly seeing within myself a reflection of the same “ills” and chaos in the “external world” to which I react with sadness, despair and often anger.
Questions I have for myself include:
- Can I love myself fully when I my moralistic self- judgments match my moralistic self- judgments of the things I detest out there?
- Can I drop those moralistic evaluations and reside more fully in observations, including my own discomfort, and my requests of myself that seem more likely to fulfill my heart’s desires?
I’ll keep you informed. I could use support and encouragement. If this touches you in anyway, would you be willing to comment or send me a private email at joe@TruthForce.Works? I’d love to hear what exactly you read that moved you, how you feel and why it worked well or not well for you.